Hi guys, Bambi here!
I’m sitting in as guest columnist today because Mr. NASCAR attended a bachelor party last night and things got a little out of hand. I told him I’d have bail in just before the office closed at four o’clock, still plenty of time for him to write this column and catch the race, but I lied. Why? The lying little weasel promised me there’d be no strippers at the party, and there were. So, now I’m leaving him to rot in the Clark County Jail overnight as punishment.
I read his column last week and saw that he told you guys I didn’t know that British and English are the same thing. Well, I’ll be sitting on the couch tonight with a pizza and a beer watching the race at Bristol, while he’ll be stuck in County with no TV, clenching cheeks and praying no one thinks he’s cute - so who’s the stupid one now?
I'm also pissed because I think he killed my monkey, George. He wasn’t a real monkey he was a sock puppet, a Curious George. I had it since I was a little girl, and Mr. NASCAR hated him.
When we were living together I used to prop George up on our pillows every morning after I made our bed. When Mr. NASCAR saw him he would throw George in the corner, or put him in the closet. I don’t know what his problem was - it was just a stupid stuffed animal. Anyway, one day we went shopping and when we got home, George was destroyed. There were bits of George in every room in the house: a felt nose in the bathroom, a button eye in the den, a knit leg in the kitchen; just stuffing and pieces everywhere. At first I assumed our cats did it – well, they’re my cats really, and he hates them too - but then I began to wonder. Those cats never paid George any mind. I used to try and make them friends, you know, hold George up to them and talk; they completely ignored him.
It was Mr. NASCAR, I know it - he killed my monkey.
I told you that me and Mr. NASCAR were out shopping together the day George got killed, but we weren’t together that entire afternoon. There was about a forty-five minute period when we split up. I wanted to look at some bras, and since I said, “No, you can’t watch as I try them on” he said he was going to go play video games and hustle kids for their quarters, so we agreed to split up for an hour and then meet back at the food court for lunch. It would have been tight, but definitely enough of a window of opportunity for him to do George, frame the cats, and then get back in time to meet me for lunch.
Laugh if you want, but that fucker’s a monkey killer I tell ya.
Now on to today’s race. I got access to Mr. NASCARS betting account, and I see that his record is 26-20 and he's got $1,230.00 in it.
That money does me no good at all sitting in a bank account does it?
Let’s go shopping!
Jimmie Johnson +100 over Kurt Busch $150 to win $100
JJ is too good to be 0-15 at any track. He is waaaaay due!
Tony Stewart +110 over Kyle, $150 to win $165
I hope Vickers takes Kyle out today, he’s such a whiny little shit. Aside from wearing a bull’s eye in Vickers eyes, Little Busch has to win today to stay alive in the “Chase for the Cup.” I say the little turd cracks under the pressure and WRECKlessly tries to force it – and that’s IF he’s even competitive by the race’s end. Stupid is as stupid does.
Juan Pablo -160 over Vickers for $160 to win $100
I have one premise I’m going with today (well, two actually, if you count spending all of Mr. NASCARS money) and that’s the fact the both Vickers and Kyle are children and their feud is going to spill over on to the track this week and result in crushed metal.
Edwards -115 over Gordon $115 to win $100
Isn’t it funny how Kyle has taken over for Jeffie as the new, most hated driver on the circuit? Not in my book. Go Carl!
Boy-oh-Boy-Boyer -170 over Harvick $170 to win $100
Yes, $170 is a lot of money to win a $100, but it’s not my money!
Hmmm, $585 left in the account . . . . . .
Denny Hamlin -130 over Gordon $130 to win $100
A pox on all things Gordon.
Logano -140 over Truex $140 to win $100
Doesn't Joey have the cutest smile!
JJ finishing position under 10 ½ $115 to win $100
OK, still have $100 left to spend. Let’s see, did I forget anybody?
YES! I almost forgot JUNIOR!
I’ll take Dale Junior at +100 over Kasey Kahne, $99 to win $99.00
Bank account new total: $1.00
Just enough for Mr. NASCAR to get a cheap thrill by using his greasy fingers to stuff it in some strippers bra!
😀 😀
Good to see you Mr. NASCAR
Whatever happened to "Stand by your Man?"
As you already know, I spent the last race locked up in county, after a bachelor party got a little out of hand and fisticuffs ensued. No big deal there, I mean, shit happens, right? I came out of it without any bruises, except the crushing blow to my ego because Bambi:
A – Lied about coming to bail me out and left me in jail overnight.
B – Took over this space and wrote my column.
C – Gambled away my entire bankroll (OK, not ‘entire’ – she left me with $1.00)
and, the most unkindest cut of all . . .
D - She bet on Dale Junior!
I forgave her for all of the above, because:
A – She bailed me out; eventually.
B – She wrote an OK column.
C – She didn’t do too bad with her picks, going 5-4, minus a little vig so I got my money back.
D – Junior? No. There are some sins that even God does not forgive.
Anyway, Jimmy J finished 8th to Kurt’s 7th or she would have banked a nice profit on the day. What we’re gonna do from here is this: give her a bankroll starting with at minus $85, her figure from last week, and let her do an occasional pick, too.
Now, to clear up that other bit of nonsense, wherein she wrote about me whacking her stuffed monkey, well, yeah, I did, so what? I had good reason.
When I was growing up my sister had one of those Curious George sock puppet monkeys, but he wasn’t what he seemed - turned out he was a bi-Curious George, so I had to off him.
He kept hittin’ on me. I wasn’t sure if he was serious or just being a wise-ass, then one day I came home from the gym, all sweaty, not wearing a shirt, when I heard a squeaky little voice say, “You look sooo hot.”
I look over at the couch and there he was, quiet and still, pretending he was just a doll, lookin’ at me with those funky button eyes and stitched mouth. He was creepin’ me out, man. So, I beat the stuffin’ outta him and threw him in the fireplace, said “Who’s hot now, cheeky monkey?”
When I told the Bambster it was OK if she moved in I didn’t say nothing about no stuffed monkeys, and I wasn’t about to let another one in my house – so I poured catnip all over it and let the cats rip it up! I promised her I’d make it up to her by taking her to the beach for a day and win her a different stuffed animal on one of the boardwalk games. It’s a win-win situation, she gets a new stuffed toy and I get to help her shop for new bikinis for the trip!
And on to tonight's race:
The first race at Atlanta was probably the most boring one this year. But, "No Crash" didn't mean "No Cash" for Mr. NASCAR , who won three of four wagers placed. Today, I'm going small, and only two bets: Vickers over KK $135 to win $100 & one that paid off last time in Atlanta, Bowyer over Jr. $130 to win $100.
Records
Mr. NASCAR: 26-20 +$1,230
Bambi: 5-4 -$85
Gordon has a car that looks good but man he has been a money burner all year.
Picks added, and I made a correction above (mixed race results and plays, Kurt won here last time.)
Gordon looks OK, and he did finish 2nd here last race, but I've had more success picking spots to play against him, I rarely bet on him. Plus, he seemed kind of whiny at Bristol, I prefer hungry and mean in guys I back with $ and co-pilot with.
Let's hope this one is a little more interesting than last time here . . .
Got Kyle, Kurt, Hamlin and Sorenson. Good luck to me, I need it
That was one strange race but have to admit it was entertaining for sure.
I thought it was boring as fuck. They need to fix these cars. What a snoozer
And how unlucky is it for 3 of my guys to crash into each other. What a shitty night