Dear Red States:
We're ticked off at the way you've treated California and the other Blue States, so we've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country and we're taking the Blue States with us.
In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation and especially to the people of the new country of New America.
To sum up briefly:
- You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
- We get stem cell research and all the best beaches without sharks.
- We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay and Trent Lott.
- We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Opry Land and Graceland.
- We get Intel and Microsoft. You get World Com.
- We get Harvard. You get Ole'Miss.
- We get 85% of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.
- We get 2/3's of the tax revenue. You get to make the Red States pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.
Please be aware that Nuevo California and the other Blue States will be pro-choice and anti-war. And we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home.
We do wish you success in Iraq and hope that the WMD's turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire. You can fund it yourselves.
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners - ha!), 90% of all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, Sequoias and condors, all the Ivy League and Seven Sister schools, plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.
With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 92% of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of the Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson, and the University of Georgia.
We get Yosemite. Thank you.
Additionally, 38% of those in the Red States believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11, and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals than we lefties.
You can write your own Constitution, as we're taking the one the Founding Fathers wrote. It still works for us.